Over the last 5 days, I’ve experienced every single COVID symptom and side effect there is. And yes, I am fully vaccinated. I laid on the bathroom floor shivering from a never-ending round of unexpected intense chills, while at the same time feeling like my insides were on fire. And I didn’t have an ounce of energy to pick myself up. I laid there for about 3 hours before I finally grabbed my phone and called my mom for help. I was so angry at myself during that 3-hour window. Angry that I very intentionally decided to live alone, angry that I let my daughter spend the night elsewhere, and angry that I knew no one was coming “home” to find me. It was just me. Over the course of that 3 hours, I had a long talk with myself. Here is the aftermath, in words, of that internal conversation with myself. Morgan to Morgan. I hope this reminds you this holiday season to just keep going.
Monday, December 20th 7:49pm
Life isn’t fair. And to be honest, there is not one person who was told otherwise. Yet we still walk around disheveled when life throws us a curve ball. I’m not any different. I’m currently disheveled. Completely unraveled, fragile, and angry. Pissed is a better word. Pissed about the hand 2020 & to be honest 2021 dealt me. It was an amateur dealer shuffling my cards. Maybe yours too.
The last 2 years have changed me to my core. I’m no longer the same person. I used to describe myself as kind, hopeful, polite, and non-disruptive. Now, I am intuitive, critical thinking, cautious, and I’m always playing chess these days, never checkers. You’ll notice me, but you will never be able to figure me out. I didn’t write this blog to be a Debbie Downer, I promise things get better. Just keep reading.
To understand why quarantining during the holidays is hitting me so hard, I have to tell you everything. I survived 2020’s pandemic COVID free, I had a beautiful home, a husband, a daughter & bonus daughter that I absolutely adore more than anything else in this world. I was able to keep my job, my other streams of income remained intact, and I was so grateful for health, strength & slower living. We took bike rides everyday for months. I mean, who even had time to do that before the pandemic?
By June 2021, everything I fought to keep intact, that shaped my identity, just fell apart. I decided to end my almost 10-year marriage and go discover the world on my own. For some strange reason, I really felt like I had an S on my chest, a hard to explain Kanye West confidence. I felt like because I was a faithful, God fearing, follow the rules wife & mother, who was married to a serial cheater, he would suffer and I would be crowned King, things would just work out in my favor because I didn’t suck at marriage as much as he did. That was the worst assumption I’ve ever made.
The truth of the matter is that life has thrown every curve ball at me, every insecurity, every fear, in my face. Everything I hoped and prayed for, had the opposite outcome from what I wanted. So yeah, I’m pissed that I am quarantining alone on the first Christmas being separated. All these firsts- first Christmas having to “share” my daughter with her other parent, first Christmas alone, first time not watching my bonus daughter’s basketball games… too many firsts to count, too many emotions to ignore. You can give your all to something, and things still don’t work out in your favor. That’s just the hard truth.
I promised you I wouldn’t Debbie Downer forever, and I’m a woman of word. If you feel anything like I do this season, remember this – you still have a cup, a portion, a blessing you’re sitting in. Every day, whether we feel full or in lack, we still have a cup.
I cannot focus on the cup I feel I deserve, the cup I feel someone robbed me of, or the cup I feel I worked for. I can only look at the cup I have today.
We will never get the exact, picture-perfect outcome that we want. Each of us has a thorn in our side. You might not be married, or a parent, and my problems seem small to you. My mountains are my mountains; you have yours. You might have lost a loved on, going through a bad break up, had a run in with the law, or received a bad report with the doctor. Whatever your thorn is, know that you are not alone, even when you are physically alone. We all have so much to be grateful for… even if or even when.
As I sit here alone when I really just want to be snuggled beside my baby, I urge you to create beauty with what you have in your hands right now. All I have right now is this laptop and less chills than the day before. Tomorrow, my cup will be different. It might be running over, it might be closer to empty. But there is still something in my cup, even if and even when.
Let’s see if I can practice what I preach……
Even if it’s unfair that despite the whirlwind of changes I’ve been through recently, that I end up alone with Covid on Christmas, this is not the sum total of my life.
- My daughter has so many gifts under this tree, her single mom is a BOSS.
- I got vaccinated, despite not wanting to, and I am able to type this after 5 days of pure hell in my body.
- My body fought for me, and I will repay it by being even more conscious of how I treat and talk to her.
- There were a lot of people praying for me, and others made sure I had everything I needed. Is support not the best Christmas gift you can have?
Once I started changing my perspective, I could go on and on. I’ve almost reached 24 hours without medication; I hear that shows significant progress with healing and the road back to myself. That’s another win. I’m so grateful for that 3 hour debrief with myself. Things are looking up for me, and for you. It will all get better in time.
And not to go there, but going there – get vaccinated. Had I not been vaccinated, that 3-hour power talk I had with myself would have been in a hospital. At least I was home with my favorite blanket and a bomb playlist. There goes that cup half full thing exploding! I can’t contain it now.
Until next time,